the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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