our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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