she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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