you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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