There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
