he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
