I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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