Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
