Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
