what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
