To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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