i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
