you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize