Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
