just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
