last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
