I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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