look no pants
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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