Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
