Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
