God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
