Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
