he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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