Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
