Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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