Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
