I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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