then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize