Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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