Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
