I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
