nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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