im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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