The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize