I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
