I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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