i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
