so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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