What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
