This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
