he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm sobbing to NWA
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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