Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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