i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
