after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
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