I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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