he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
