Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize