My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize