She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
