I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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