i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
