I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
