Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
