So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
