guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
