I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
