I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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