I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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