i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
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