Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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