I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
