I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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