And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
