I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
