I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
