I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
